Jenna started a job a couple of weeks ago at Culvers. She wanted to get a job at the bakery or at Burneys, but I think because she applied a few weeks before 16 and the COVID 19, it wasn't a good time. The poor girl really wants her license and she wants to get a car, so she was motivated to start work. I have been impressed with Culvers and how they treat the employees, but I do hope that some day in the future she can get to one of the bakeries.
This weekend I was reminded that God cares even about the little things and will provide for us. Several weeks ago a friend found us some toilet paper. I have been on the lookout for more with no luck. With five us in the house, we have really gone through it. Once again, I had put the last roll on my holder and could not find anything. Saturday morning I got up and went to Target at 8:15. Their sign did not say out, and I was lucky to find a 4 pack. I knew that would get us through another 2 weeks (they were the big rolls) but I didn't want to go through this yet again. I went to BJ's and waited in line for 25 minutes and there was the most beautiful site...….big packs of toilet paper. I know it sounds silly, but I am grateful that I was able to find it and once again, when I needed it the most. God is faithful and God cares for our needs...….even toilet paper!!
I was sitting in my living room Sunday night. I usually keep my phone beside me, especially when the kids are out and about. I got a text from the head of school saying please read the urgent email. When I read the email, I screamed out at Jack. One of my co-workers died earlier Sunday morning. Miss Becky Ham was only 37. We have staff meetings on Wednesdays and last Wednesday she requested prayer because she didn't feel well. Friday on our group chat she mentioned that she had a rough night. Sunday morning before church, I sent her a text to check on her. I wish I hadn't. I didn't know that she was in the hospital fighting for her life. All I know is she went to the doctor Friday. She had bronchitis. They did find a spot on her long, but were not concerned and were going to look at it Tuesday. They said it wasn't COVID protocol because she did not have a fever and her oxygen level was fine. Sunday morning she was taken by ambulance to the hospital. She finally was stable and called her mom and dad. Shortly after that, she had a heart attack and died. I don't know when all this happened time wise, but I hate that I sent that text at that moment. I feel horrible.
It's been tough because we aren't in school and we can't help the kids that are grieving. They cancelled classes Monday and Tuesday. Also because of COVID we couldn't attend a funeral, but today we were able to attend via Facebook, the graveside service. Becky's dad was her pastor, and I was amazed that he was able to do the service. It was beautiful. Becky loved to sing and would often sing for their church and for funerals and things. One of her favorite songs was Amazing Grace, my chains are gone. At the end of the service, they played a recording of her singing it. It was a moving experience.
Becky loved God and that was so evident in her life and the way her students loved her. She did have Jacob and Jenna and she also helped last year coach Jenna's basketball team. This year when Josh was struggling in English, she did a facetime with him to help him. She was a ray of sunshine. I wasn't as close to her as some of the other teachers, but her presence in the fall (if we can go back) will be greatly missed.
One thing that I can't shake today is would people say that about me? Would they say the love of Jesus was evident in my life? Would my students say that they knew I cared? It has been very heavy on my heart. Another thing very heavy on my heart is how short live really is. We didn't know that last Friday would be our last school day. (The decision was made that Sunday). We didn't know that was the last time we would see her. She was just 37. Life is so short. I wish I could have spent a little more time with her. Even though I am struggling today, it truly is a comfort to know that she is singing for Jesus.
Church on line has been hard. Beside the fact that I can't be with my church family, another hardship has been it is hard to concentrate. I need a bathroom break, someone needs a snack, the dog is barking, the laundry buzzer went off.....you name it and I get distracted!! No one wanted to sit in a certain spot this past Sunday so I gave up my seat and went into the kitchen. It was great for me because I was able to focus and take notes. The message was on Philippians 4 and being content. This is very hard for me right now. Pastor briefly spoke on social media and how much we spend our "mental energy" on this. This is true. There are two particular people who post EVERY DAY both on FB and Instagram. I think I need to quit reading them all together. Not that they are doing anything wrong, but EVERY DAY it is about how rosy their life is.....what they did, how great their lives are, all the things they can do.....and it makes me feel like a complete failure. I can sit there and say "oh, I didn't do that for my kids, is there anything they can't do, do they have a real life?" and so on and so on. They don't seem to have any hardships and their families all seem perfect and their lives seem so unattainable!! I am setting myself up to spend to much mental energy!!
I can also start to get into this "whoa is me" phase. Sure, things are hard right now, but they could be worse.
The quarantine has lingered on. I have good days and I have bad days. Last week was a good week and then Monday and Tuesday were bad. I think Monday it was because it was Jenna's 16th birthday and it's not what I wanted for her. Sometimes I feel like I am not a good mom because I can't give her things that other moms do. I can't give her a big fancy bedroom. I can't get her a car. I can't get her name brand clothes or do things that other moms can do. I had a great sweet 16th planned for her. We were going to NYC on Josh's spring break to paint the town. The two of us were going to a Broadway play. She was going to have some friends at church go to an escape room and lunch and shopping and all of that got cut short. I wanted to do this for her because she doesn't get to do special things. She doesn't get invited to do things with the girls from school. I wanted to make it extra special.
Trying to stay positive. I have cleaned out all of my kitchen cabinets and things. I did get a new shower curtain for my bathroom.
I am not going to lie, things are hard. It's hard being in a very small house with all 5 people home most of the day. I struggle. I am trying hard to choose joy. I have found things to keep me occupied and to keep my mind off things. Last week I went for a walk when the weather got better. Yesterday I mowed the grass (yes I love to do that if I can be on the rider). Last week I also re-worked my entire "Lies Young Women Believe" study and put it all into power points and also made study guides and activities. I also ordered two new Bible studies to go through and see if I want to take the girls through those. I have written at least one card per day to someone who might need encouragement. Saturday I made bread and delivered it to a couple of people. Yesterday I made cookies with royal icing (more on that in moment.) I am just trying to stay busy. If I don't stay busy, I sink into a depression like status because I am stuck in my room. I am thankful Target is still open. That has and continues to be my happy place!! I still have not found tp, although we are ok for another 1.5 weeks or so. I am slowly finding more meat, but that is still hard.
Yesterday, Jack had to work in the office so I took advantage of kitchen time and worked on cookies. I learned several lessons. 1) I don't like to bake as much as I thought I did. 2) I make a lot of messes. 3) my cookies were very messy. 4) I need a bigger kitchen to work 5) I probably will never make these again, but at least I know I can.
These a trying times for sure. We are on the second week out of school and it could go until May 15, although SCS is hoping to get there sooner. I can't imagine it going that long. I just heard Wake County is trying to get the mandatory stay at home passed. I hope JOCO doesn't do that, but we are almost there. School online, church online, can't find anything at the grocery store (thank goodness Jack finally found TP on Saturday).
My house is too little for this. Jack has taken over the kitchen with his office. Jenna is in her bedroom for her schooling, Jacob in his room for his school. Josh will start next week, and then I am stuck in my bedroom. I am going crazy!!! I am glad we are healthy, but this staying in my room is too much!! Jacob and Jenna do work everyday and every day of the week they have a specific subject where they do a google classroom with their teacher. I am thankful SCS has maintained school, but this is just bad. I can't imagine when Josh starts too. I am going into a depression sitting in my bedroom all day. There just isn't room for all of us to do this at the same time!!
Jenna turns 16 on April 13. I had so much planned for her sweet 16. Starting with the fact that we were supposed to go to NY tomorrow for a family trip. The two of us were going to see Wicked on Broadway. She was going to have a few friends from church out for the day......lunch, escape room, shopping, but I don't think that will happen now. We can't even take her out for her bday. My bday is the same way. I will be stuck here in my room!! I hope Trump can do what he wants and open things up by Easter and maybe we could do her party during Spring Break.
I know my focus isn't right. I am spending time with God. I am sending notes to friends. I finished my class (just waiting on the grades of my final projects to come in), I've ordered some new books to review for possible material next year, but I can't even get into my kitchen to do baking or something fun. I am drowning. My getting out of my room includes trying to go to the grocery store each day to find meat. Please don't let this go on till May 15 or beyond. I know I can plan, but my steps are ordered by the Lord.
