I was sitting in my living room Sunday night. I usually keep my phone beside me, especially when the kids are out and about. I got a text from the head of school saying please read the urgent email. When I read the email, I screamed out at Jack. One of my co-workers died earlier Sunday morning. Miss Becky Ham was only 37. We have staff meetings on Wednesdays and last Wednesday she requested prayer because she didn't feel well. Friday on our group chat she mentioned that she had a rough night. Sunday morning before church, I sent her a text to check on her. I wish I hadn't. I didn't know that she was in the hospital fighting for her life. All I know is she went to the doctor Friday. She had bronchitis. They did find a spot on her long, but were not concerned and were going to look at it Tuesday. They said it wasn't COVID protocol because she did not have a fever and her oxygen level was fine. Sunday morning she was taken by ambulance to the hospital. She finally was stable and called her mom and dad. Shortly after that, she had a heart attack and died. I don't know when all this happened time wise, but I hate that I sent that text at that moment. I feel horrible.
It's been tough because we aren't in school and we can't help the kids that are grieving. They cancelled classes Monday and Tuesday. Also because of COVID we couldn't attend a funeral, but today we were able to attend via Facebook, the graveside service. Becky's dad was her pastor, and I was amazed that he was able to do the service. It was beautiful. Becky loved to sing and would often sing for their church and for funerals and things. One of her favorite songs was Amazing Grace, my chains are gone. At the end of the service, they played a recording of her singing it. It was a moving experience.
Becky loved God and that was so evident in her life and the way her students loved her. She did have Jacob and Jenna and she also helped last year coach Jenna's basketball team. This year when Josh was struggling in English, she did a facetime with him to help him. She was a ray of sunshine. I wasn't as close to her as some of the other teachers, but her presence in the fall (if we can go back) will be greatly missed.
One thing that I can't shake today is would people say that about me? Would they say the love of Jesus was evident in my life? Would my students say that they knew I cared? It has been very heavy on my heart. Another thing very heavy on my heart is how short live really is. We didn't know that last Friday would be our last school day. (The decision was made that Sunday). We didn't know that was the last time we would see her. She was just 37. Life is so short. I wish I could have spent a little more time with her. Even though I am struggling today, it truly is a comfort to know that she is singing for Jesus.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
Death
Monday, April 20, 2020
Church/Contentment
Church on line has been hard. Beside the fact that I can't be with my church family, another hardship has been it is hard to concentrate. I need a bathroom break, someone needs a snack, the dog is barking, the laundry buzzer went off.....you name it and I get distracted!! No one wanted to sit in a certain spot this past Sunday so I gave up my seat and went into the kitchen. It was great for me because I was able to focus and take notes. The message was on Philippians 4 and being content. This is very hard for me right now. Pastor briefly spoke on social media and how much we spend our "mental energy" on this. This is true. There are two particular people who post EVERY DAY both on FB and Instagram. I think I need to quit reading them all together. Not that they are doing anything wrong, but EVERY DAY it is about how rosy their life is.....what they did, how great their lives are, all the things they can do.....and it makes me feel like a complete failure. I can sit there and say "oh, I didn't do that for my kids, is there anything they can't do, do they have a real life?" and so on and so on. They don't seem to have any hardships and their families all seem perfect and their lives seem so unattainable!! I am setting myself up to spend to much mental energy!!
I can also start to get into this "whoa is me" phase. Sure, things are hard right now, but they could be worse.
- Yes, my house is WAY TO SMALL....but I have a roof over my head and a place to sleep.
- Yes, I am going stir crazy with all these people in a small area......but we are all healthy!
- Yes, I can't bake for my family every week, or have this fancy meal, or do a garden, crochet, or things like that....but we do eat and I can at least think of people.
- Yes, my husband has taken over the kitchen with his computer and conference calls and works even later than normal.....but we still have money coming in and don't file unemployment.
- Yes, everyone else families look and act perfect.....but we are still together despite the hardships.
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Positive
The quarantine has lingered on. I have good days and I have bad days. Last week was a good week and then Monday and Tuesday were bad. I think Monday it was because it was Jenna's 16th birthday and it's not what I wanted for her. Sometimes I feel like I am not a good mom because I can't give her things that other moms do. I can't give her a big fancy bedroom. I can't get her a car. I can't get her name brand clothes or do things that other moms can do. I had a great sweet 16th planned for her. We were going to NYC on Josh's spring break to paint the town. The two of us were going to a Broadway play. She was going to have some friends at church go to an escape room and lunch and shopping and all of that got cut short. I wanted to do this for her because she doesn't get to do special things. She doesn't get invited to do things with the girls from school. I wanted to make it extra special.
Trying to stay positive. I have cleaned out all of my kitchen cabinets and things. I did get a new shower curtain for my bathroom.
